1. Build up your list of words for conversation. They can be through reading, listening or writing.  Pay attention to new and existing words used in different ways, and learn to use them correctly.  This is done every now and then in your everyday life, before actual conversation.  More often than not, people are lost with the right words then the thoughts.  They lack the ability to express their words in a more vivid manner.  They lack the ability to join, break, make similarities or differences, or interlink their sentences (thoughts) together.  And this can be a problem when you want to express or influence your partner in continuing the conversation.
2. Start with common topics such as the weather, family, job, company, neighbourhood that he is living in, financial market, children, education, hobbies, interests and the recently released movie.  You see, it can be anything!  You may find that these topics are boring! However, not only these topics allow you to understand your partner better, it can also spawn off many more topics for your conversation than you have thought off initially!  Talking about personal stuff can also build trust and open up your partner.  In the event that you run out of topic in a conversation, look back on the list here!  We are sure that you still can continue with the conversation with these everyday topics. J
3. Watch out for break points in the conversation or sentences. Use these break points as junctions for you to inject your sentences or express your thoughts.  Not only can you reciprocate with your partner, by agreeing or disagreeing with a simple nod, you get a chance of swaying the direction of the conversation.  How?  These break points are good for you to switch topic smartly and graciously.  You can use, “By the way, I recently…”, “Anyway, have you watch…” which are some examples to sway the conversation to another direction.  However, do find the correct break points.  By injecting at the wrong time, or commonly known as interrupting, it illustrates your impatience, insensitiveness, lack of interest and courtesy.
4. Finally, watch out for keywords that your partner is using.  These keywords are used by your partner for a certain reason.  Keywords can also be used for you to find avenues to spawn another topic or question.  Two things you should do on keywords: (1) acknowledge it and (2) keep track of it.  By acknowledging, you affirm your understanding of your partners concerns.  This is important as humans “want to be heard”.  By keeping tracking of the keyword, you have a new avenue to spawn a new topic to continue with the conversation.  Example of acknowledgment: “I’m reluctant…” can be responded with “I see that you may not be comfortable with…, however, would it be possible to tell me more about your actual concern?  I like to address it with my capabilities…” Example of tracking keywords: “I love watching TV series” may open a possibility of a topic on movies (through swaying) where you can respond in “What about movies? Do you watch movies too?”

These are just some tricks that can be used for you to keep the conversation going and avoid being in the moment of silence leaving everyone feeling a little uneasy. Share with us if you have other tricks too! J

1. Be open about yourself – The first thing that you should ever do when you want people to talk is to be open about yourself.  Being open about yourself allows people to be comfortable with you.  How?  You give them trust by sharing information about yourself first.  In this way, people respond with theirs.  If you do not start somewhere, then it will be difficult to maintain the conversation for long.
2. Avoid talking too much of yourself – Being open is the first step that you should take too build trust in a conversation.  However, avoid the loophole of talking too much of yourself.  This becomes self-centeredness and attempting to put the focal point of discussion around you.  A right touch (amount) of self information that portrait openness is good.  Too much of it will irritate and bored your partner.  They will only view you as being self-indulging and living in your own world.
3. Be genuine curious and interested about your other partner but – Be genuine interested in finding out more about your partner.  By being curious about your partner, you tend to come out with questions that can relate to your partner.  When your partner finds that you are really interested in them (and after building trust between you and him), he will more likely share more information with you.
4. Give the right balance amount of attention to everyone in a conversation –In a group conversation, usually, there will be one or two “alphas” that lead the conversation.  And usually you are one of them as you are taking the lead to get people talking.  Be it any conversation; give rights to everybody for them to voice their opinion.  If they lack the initiative to speak, ask for their opinion or consensus instead.  Example, “Mary, do you agree with the Joe’s comment about banker’s salary?”  In this way, the introvert Mary will not feel left out in the conversation and you assisted to be brought into the conversation.
5. Bring similarities of topic in a conversation – Another tip in group conversation where there are individuals that lack initiative in voicing their opinion; Assist to bridge similar experiences of different individuals together.  Example, “Joe loves rock climbing.  He does that every weekend!  Hey, Mary, you are a rock climber too right?”  In this way, you bring two experiences (topic) together and a common topic both Joe and Mary can follow through.

Use these conversational tips to get people talking!  Are there other tips that you used to get people talking in a conversation or to break the silence?

1. Power of attention – You naturally feel valued and important when someone slows down and give his full attention.  In contrast, if you get the feeling that the other person is patronising you, it indicates that something or someone else is more important than you are.  It’s easy to be distracted when you feel harassed and under pressure to deal with other people, even customers.  If that is happening to you, you might be actually sending your customer a silent message that, whatever words come out of your mouth, you are actually less interested in them and their needs that you are in something else.
2. Slow down improves focus – Slowing down helps improve focus on the topic.  The best way to restore full focus on the task in hand, or the customer in front of you, is to slow down. Customers prefer to deal with people and organizations that treat them well and make them feel important. They judge value by how well their needs are met and any problems they have are solved, fully and permanently. They aren’t interested in your sales quota or the pressures you face to make your budget. As far as each customer is concerned, they are the only one, and that’s how they expect to be treated.
3. Quick Fixes Won’t Help – Sometimes, quick fix solution may not be the right solution for everyone.  Everyone have different needs and problems.  The best way to win a customer heart is to listen carefully, ask questions and fully pledge your time to address the customer’s concern.  Most sales people know that this is important.  What prevents them from following it is unreasonable pressure from their own management, who often equate more business with more busyness.
4. Time is a Precious Gift – Time is precious!  And that means driving more sales in a limited time.  However, on the contrary, this perception is held by your customers too.  By spending more time with them, you are making them feel more valuable.  You are giving a silent message that they are important and you are willing to spend the additional time and effort to discuss about their needs! The overworked sales or customer service professional trying to deal as quickly as possible with current clients to free time to prospect for more, is forced into actions that are very likely to lose business instead of win it. His employer who values such organisation behaviour is acting in the most short-sighted way imaginable.

Slowing down seems counterintuitive when you are feeling under pressure, but it is nearly always the best way forward. Try it and we believed you can win more customers’ heart than you can imagine!

Conflict is common in our everyday life.  Not even mention that conflict can happen at work.  With different agendas and interest going on in the organisation, it seemed an up hill task to resolve conflicts here.  However, for all conflicts (the purest ones that has no political agenda which are easiest to solve), there lies the same common principle that is used to resolve them.  In our post today, we will present techniques for you to resolve conflict in the office and life.

• Be calm – The first thing that you should do is to be calm.  Emotions will run high but you have to remind yourself not to blast whatever you’ve got in your head.  IN your mind, tell yourself that you got choices in your respond.
• Do not shout – Second thing, do not shout.  Even if your partner is shouting at you, do not shout back.  Shouting back will only make matters worst.
• Talk calmly if your partner shouts - If your partner continues to shout at you, do not shout back.  Ask him to calm down.  Your tone should be assuring that you are not out to pick a fight.  Let him know that you want to resolve this thing through a proper discussion with him.
• Understand that your partner has something on his mind which is misaligned with yours – In your mind when you are debating your rights, do one thing; acknowledge that both of you are having different opinion to the subject of the conflict.  Recognizing this is a great step forward that you will attempt to find out what is misaligned between you and him.
• Acknowledge their view points verbally – Once you have found out the different opinion that his is holding.  Acknowledge verbally.  Let him know you truly understand what him meant and you want to address that with what you can.
• Seek compromise – Both of you may have something you want to achieve out of the conflict.  Sometimes things cannot be perfect.  Look for compromise between both sides.  The best scenario is that you influence his decision to side to you (after you understand his different view point).  On a not so optimal scenario, you compromise by giving up everything of your opinion.  It’s ok not to gain something out of the conflict.  It may be better this way in the long run.
• Break off first if no compromise can be made – If at the end of day, both sides are unable to reach a conclusion.  Or both sides are running high on emotions that cannot be pulled down (especially when the other side is not willing to cool down even after you have), its time to break off for the moment.  Take maybe an hour or two to cool down.  Let your partner know that you would like to settle this conflict at a later time as both sides are not at the right state of mind for it.  With that, find the appropriate time for discussion again.
• Be positive about the conflict – You may feel miserable walking out of the conflict with no solution to it.  It’s ok.  You may not reach conclusion on the first attempt and your partner may not be ready to talk too.  The worst part, the duration between the next meet up can be daunting even it is only a few minutes.  Do not brood over it.  Think positive that both of you will reach a conclusion eventually!

1. If you do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got! – Yes, this is true.  You will always get whatever you will when you do the same thing over and over again.  If you want something bigger and better or being more successful, you need to break out from your usual cycle!
2. Everyone has his or hers own unique map of the world – To change it, you need to first understand it – This is taken from NLP.  Each of us has our way of thinking and life experience.  To influence someone, we need to know their mental model.  We need to know why certain things are important to them and through that we can address them accordingly when we want to influence them.
3. You already have most of the resources you need to influence people – You are all of the resources.  You need not read all the books on influence and negotiation to get you influential.  What you need to do is practice and practice.  Practice makes perfect.  Sharpening your influencing skill in every session.  You can shape the way you perceive things.  It all starts from you!
4. If someone else can do something, you can learn from the person’s success – You just need to model their skills – Do not reinvent the wheel.  People are success because they have a model that is effective and working already!  Learn from them.  Emulate the best practices from them that work well for you.
5. The meaning of your communication is the response you get – There are no failures, only outcomes – Yes there are no failures, only outcomes.  Whatever response you give, whatever decision you make will only generate outcome.  Therefore, it’s wise to always think of what you desire to achieve and work towards that, instead of blaming on yourself or anybody for being the point of failure.

This is taken from the book, The Influential Fundraisers authored by Bernard Ross and Clare Segal.  This book has content targeted to fundraisers as the title describes.  However, the applicability of the techniques can be used on all aspects of influence and negotiation.  That is even to influence your colleagues and boss to a decision or influence a customer’s sales decision.  Be sure of what your colleagues are basing on in deciding and you will definitely be able to influence them more easily.

1. Too little – Whatever you are proposing is too little or insignificant.  It doesn’t capture your boss’s attention.  Try providing more information or letting him see the overall benefits.
2. Too much – Whatever you are proposing is too much.  That is demanding of what can be delivered.  He cannot handle the benefits (or work) that will be coming in.  Refine your benefits (and impact) to get him agreeable to your proposals.
3. Not now – It is not the right time to do whatever you are proposing.  It could be resource constraint, or organisation maturity or market maturity.   The idea may not be effective at the current moment therefore, try approaching him again next time
4. Not in this way – You are proposing something that is not in line with what he has in mind.  He may like your idea, but it is not what and how he wants to execute it.
5. Not for this – Your boss is not keen of what you are proposing. He is just not interested. Better luck and try next time. 
6. Not you – Your boss doesn’t like you.  Simple as that and won’t take in any of your proposals.  How to circumvent this?  Get someone he likes to propose the idea!
7. Not me – Your boss is thinking, why he should be doing it.  It is not his job scope and it will be better off to approach someone else who have the capability to do it.
8. Not unless – Your boss is keen with the idea however, he needs some topping up to whatever you are proposing.  Find out more with him on what needs to be included!
9. Go away – Yes, just go away.  Your boss is not in a good mood or emotional state and it’s not the best time to discuss about anything.  Hold your proposals and wait for another day!

Again, this is taken from the book, The Influential Fundraisers authored by Bernard Ross and Clare Segal.  This book has content targeted to fundraisers as the title describes.  However, the applicability of the techniques can be used on all aspects of influence and negotiation.  That is even to influence your boss to a decision or influence a customer’s sales decision.  Be sure to know why your boss rejects you.  Address his concern and we’re sure you will get your proposal received by him!

Every one of us is different by DNA design.  So are our thoughts.  Our decision making process are different from one another based on our individual life experiences.  Although different, we can be generally categorized into the following decision models.

1. Automatic – Your colleague is fine with what your proposal.  They don’t see any implication of what you’re proposing.  You’ve addressed directly what they are concerned with and they say “yes” immediately.  However, not every one can make a decision on the spot and you won’t be able to address all their concerns at the first session.
2. Number of times – Your colleagues will agree to help you once you’ve reached the number of times you proposed the idea to them.  Not because they need to reach the number of times (maybe), but maybe the case that they did not understand in the first few rounds of proposals.  Therefore, you may come out with different versions of your proposals that reach the same objective to aid their understanding of the proposals.
3. Period of times – This time, it is not the number of times but how long that you approach your colleague.  The duration is the key deciding factor to your colleague.  They may not be ready for this proposal as they are tied up with something, or they don’t see the need (and benefit) of accepting your ideas yet.  As such, you might want to check back on their comfort level periodically.
4. Consistent over time – The last decision mechanism that your colleague relies on is the consistency over time of your proposal.  They may be looking at your integrity and consistency of what you are proposing.  This is further reinforced by the way you’ve promised and delivered results over time to your colleague where trust is in place.  Therefore, if you are handling a colleague with this mechanism, its best to stick with your principles and not make changes over time.  It may be very detrimental when they realized that you always change your principles in order to achieve your objectives.

This is taken from the book, The Influential Fundraisers authored by Bernard Ross and Clare Segal.  This book has content targeted to fundraisers as the title describes.  However, the applicability of the techniques can be used on all aspects of influence and negotiation.  That is even to influence your colleagues and boss to a decision or influence a customer’s sales decision.  Be sure of what your colleagues are basing on in deciding and you will definitely be able to influence them more easily.

You’ve got a couple of options to start with in influencing your colleagues.  Apply them in a balancing manner.  Do not overuse any one of it as they may either take advantage or end up developing resentment in the office.

1. Influence them positively using tangible benefits – This directly targets the concerns of your colleagues.  They can be salary-related, off-day related or bonus-related benefit.  Of course, at times it is not possible as you may not be the approving authority for giving out cash or time offs.  (That is where your influencing skills on your boss come in!)
2. Influence them positively using implicit benefits – Buy your colleagues favours such as gifts or cakes.  Treat them a meal or buy them some cappuccino to boost them up. This shows you care for your staff and will motivate them to work for you.  Allow free play of work in the office.  Your colleagues appreciate the freedom.  Also, implicit benefits may be allowing your colleagues to go off early if there are nothing major going on for the day.
3. Influence them positively that they will benefit from your proposal – This will target the WIFM (What’s in for Me?).  Although it may you’re your colleague some time to work on your proposal, but he knows that he can reap the benefit from it and will put in effort to it as well.  With something he can benefit from, he will willingly put his share of effort into your proposal.
4. Influence them negatively using negative consequences – The other end of using positive influence is the use of negative factors to make your colleagues work.  You can consider this as using threats.  You deprive them from the basic needs.  Example, “if you do not complete this work by today, you will not be allowed to take leave for the subsequent months”.  You influence those using negative consequences of their actions.

We highly recommend positive influences as this will motivate them to work harder for you in the long run.  This encourages appreciation and trust between your colleagues.  We do not recommend using negative influences as this will degrade their motivation and trust in you.  A prolonged negative influenced work culture that the management is thriving on, the bigger the desire for the employee to tender his resignation.

Find out what is the most essential or important thing that is so dear to your colleagues. Marslow Hierarchy of Needs is a good theory you can adopt to understand how your colleagues think.  You may or may not have heard before, that’s ok.  Basically, you want to know the pending concern that they have when you want to influence them.  Is it their promotion and career progress that is important to them?  Is it the compensation and overtime pay?  Is it fewer hours in the office or being able to leave office earlier than the others?

This relates to another modern theory – WIFM or “What’s in for me?” This is more analogous in what is beneficial to them.  Colleagues that have tasks on hand will always prioritize whatever is important to them.  Therefore, by introducing new things to them through influencing, they will definitely ask “What’s in for me?” if they were to help you.

Why is someone hesitant to work overtime for a project?  There must be some reasons behind it and it’s your job to find out.  It can be they are rushing to watch a basket ball match with his friends?  Or plain reason, off office hours is my time so doesn’t bother me, which generally is the reason.  So how can you use “carrots” to entice them to work for you?  You have to find out from them as different individuals have different desires.

Sometimes, it’s external factors that cause your colleagues not to be influenced by your ideas.  Is it policy and regulations?  Is it limited budget from your customer if it is influencing a sales decision?  Is it their wife that will be nagging them for coming home late?

This applies to your bosses as well.  What does the boss have in mind at the moment?  Is it the sales quota for the quarter that is causing his concerns?  Or is it something that you never thought before (as he is the boss), such as, he wants to spend some time with his daughter after promising her to bring her out this weekend for a fishing trip.  After all, he is still human (not god) and will have things that is important to him (at that point of time).

So before you approach anyone to influence your ideas, always find out about the background of your colleague.  He or she will have a basic set of needs and wants.  Target them.  Influence your ideas by targeting their needs and wants.  People may change over time so be sure to find out what is their needs and wants at that point time.  If you are able to memorize each and everyone’s needs and wants, good for you!  If you can’t, try to keep a journal after talking to them.  It will come in handy in future when you need to influence them again!

1. Be a capable colleague – That is to able deliver the results as per what you committed and agreed with your colleagues.  This is a work place.  What is important is the amount of work delivered.  The quality of work delivered.  What your peers or bosses are looking for is if you are capable of delivering and not if you are approachable to take on the tasks!  At the baseline, you are judge by your ability not your friendship level.  Just think, who will you look for to do a project together when you are being assigned one?  You will always look for those capable ones to team up with, right?
2. Be a friendly colleague – After your colleagues feel that you are trustworthy in delivering results and abilities assured, you are now judged by your approachability.  Are you friendly enough that colleague are comfortable to approach you for help?  Or you always giving a black face in front of them that they feel you are “untouchable”?  Be friendly, and you’ll be surprised that you will have more colleagues approaching you and you might be happier too!
3. Be honest – Whatever you do, be honest.  Your peers will be unpleased when they find out that their colleague is not honest.  Nobody likes to work with a liar (minus those that tells a white lie or a lie that is beneficial for the entire team).  If you do not know certain things at work, admit it.  Do not attempt to cover up yourself.  If you can’t deliver as per the specified time line, admit the problem that you have.  In the long run, when your cover is blown, you get an even bigger discontent among your peers than ever before!
4. Be empathic – Being friendly involves the ability to listen with your heart.  Your colleagues will not want to be patronised.  They want good advice from the heart. If you exercise empathic listening at work, we believed that you have quite a fair amount of influence on your colleagues. J
5. Smile – Lastly, smile! And smile often.  Smiling breaks the cold wall barriers between individuals!  The more you smile to your colleagues at work, the more likely they feel you are friendly and approachable.  They will list you as one of the candidates of a potential team mate.

So, with these methods, you will definitely find yourself in a position that everyone wants to approach you.  Do you have other methods that make people want to approach you instead?